READER POST: Ever since the inauguration, my social media feed has been filled with arguments trying to prove two very different sides of an extremely polarizing issue: 1) every human is either male or female as determined at birth; or 2) enough biological variations exist to prove that gender is not a simple binary. (To better understand the complexities of this debate, read the Columbia Law Review here.) However, no matter how many facts are presented or how eloquently either side argues, I’ve noticed that this discussion often doesn’t lead to any further understanding. I believe that may be due, in part, to an underlying issue that we often ignore: each of us possess traits that are traditionally considered masculine and each possess traits considered feminine.
In the Latter Day Struggles podcast episode 297, host Valerie Hamaker identifies that, “We have been socialized in our 21st century western culture to conflate maleness with masculinity and femaleness with femininity. However, masculine and feminine are words that are used to define energies and ways that we interact with the world. All human beings have some iteration of masculinity and femininity.”
The prevalent ideology among LDS and other religionists is that our divine potential requires us to fully develop the masculine or the feminine, whichever aligns with our genitalia. That is the ultimate goal. LDS often assume that those who don’t participate in this aim are spiritually confused and off the path leading to Godhood. Adjacent to this is an idea that marriage to the opposite gender will create balance in our family unit. Likewise, the thinking is that, if I am a man who carries strong masculine traits and I marry a woman who carries strong feminine traits, then we, as a unit, are whole and in sync with the goal to become like God.
When I hear an ideology, I like to look at what Jesus taught and see how it compares. Paul writes that there is neither male nor female when we are one in Christ (Gal. 3: 28). Let’s be honest: this statement could mean a lot of different things, but it doesn’t seem to support the above ideology because it deemphasizes the importance of gender.
When it comes to people who don’t clearly fit their culturally expected gender role, we have an example of how Jesus responded to the violation of those roles. When Jesus visited Lazarus, Martha chose the clearly defined role for women in the household and expressed frustration when Mary didn’t also submit to that role, opting, instead, to behave as a male disciple by sitting as a student at his feet. Jesus addressed Martha’s concerns by pointing out that Mary chose for herself rather than choosing to submit to societal gender expectations. Jesus did not condemn Mary’s choice. He celebrated it. We must ask ourselves, is it Christlike to double down on enforcing gender roles? Or is it Christlike to strive to become less rigid on defined gender roles?
Hamaker recommended The Inner Marriage, by Elliott Saxby, written by a somatic therapist, and she seems to particularly appreciate his list of healthy expressions of femininity and masculinity. Remembering that we’re talking about masculine and feminine energies we can all access, let’s first look at the healthy expressions of both masculinity and femininity.
Hamaker reports Saxby claims healthy expressions of femininity are self-assurance, empathy, appreciation and acceptance of diversity (including of masculinity), intuition, creativity, healing, the ability to enjoy freedom (her own and that of others), to feel trusting and trustworthy, and to embody love.
Healthy expressions of masculinity are humility, interdependence, the ability to honor others, the capacity to worship the feminine, generosity, emotional and mental balance, selflessness, wisdom and discernment, responsibility, mindfulness, the ability to hold space for differences, to maintain safe and healthy boundaries, and to embody love.
These lists give a good idea of what qualities are often attributed to feminine and masculine energy but are by no means complete. Maybe you can think of others to add. Regardless, referencing Saxby’s lists of attributes, I invite you to self-reflection. If you think of yourself as specifically male or specifically female, do you have characteristics from both lists? I feel fairly safe in saying that very few people would claim traits from only one of the above lists. So why should it be my goal as a woman to eliminate the healthy masculine traits that I was either born with or have accrued over the years in order to become whole in my femininity? Our culture’s idea of how men and women should be is incomplete and ultimately limits our potential. Saxby has found that nurturing only the characteristics that match our body’s outward appearance generally keeps us stuck in the unhealthy qualities of the masculine or feminine.
Hamaker credits The Inner Marriage for also identifying traits of the unhealthy feminine: attention seeking, controlling behaviors, clinging, blaming, manipulation, jealousy, resentment, inflated emotionality, passive aggression, anxiousness, fear, and feeling like a victim.
The traits of the unhealthy masculine are: arrogance, exerting control over others, shaming, hatefulness, domination, suppression of the feminine, selfishness, greed, disconnection, competitiveness, judgmentalism, conflict avoidance, and intellectualism.
I’m sure we personally have none of those characteristics, but the person sitting next to us probably does! Of course I’m kidding, but that’s definitely what my ego wants me to think about myself. If I can acknowledge that I have some unhealthy expressions commonly associated with my gender, then the next thing I want to know is what path will pull me away from these unhealthy characteristics into healthier ones?
Like a bird with one wing (an analogy borrowed from Hamaker) we cannot fly if we only strengthen the qualities that align with one gender. We can balance the unhealthy characteristics natural to our gender by developing the opposite, unexpressed energy. She quotes Saxby: “In order to cultivate the healthy masculine, one needs to actually focus on cultivating their healthy feminine. In order to cultivate the healthy feminine, one needs to actually focus on cultivating their healthy masculine.” For example, Hamaker says, if a person notices that they have the unhealthy masculine trait of arrogance and they want to have the healthy masculine trait of humility, then the path to get there is to cultivate the healthy feminine trait of self assurance. With this balance, we gain greater perspective and mature into healthy characteristics.
Somehow, as a society, we have missed this understanding of wholeness. To become a whole human doesn’t mean to marry our opposite so we become whole as a unit. Rather, marriage is beneficial to our wholeness because it is a rich learning ground where we can choose to practice and embody the energy our partner carries. It can provide balance within ourselves, which leads us to become whole and complete in and of ourselves. This is what I believe Jesus meant when He said there is neither male nor female when we are one in Christ.
The debate about how many genders there are avoids this underlying issue and may become a huge distraction from the work we could be doing. When we focus on gender being binary, all that does is define a possible starting point for our development, but it does very little to further our growth and potential. When we limit ourselves to cultural expectations and gender roles, we inhibit our growth, individually and as a society.
Instead, I suggest that we seek to cultivate healthy masculine and feminine characteristics, regardless of our physical gender. Once this happens, we can honor those who carry qualities that don’t fit within gender roles instead of teasing or vilifying them to make ourselves feel better. I’ve watched people heal and become healthier versions of themselves when they open up to exploring their divine traits, both masculine and feminine.
By expanding how we think about gender beyond the mere physical, we can not only experience our own personal growth, but we can also encourage our children, families, friends, and society at large to heal and become healthier versions of themselves . Let’s become part of a growing society and turn our focus from endlessly debating the visible part of gender to more meaningful gender work: learning where we might be expressing unhealthy traits and working on cultivating healthier ones.
~Sytske~
Sytske Woodhouse is a life-long member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She is a Certified Life Coach who guides people through religious and LGBTQ spaces. Each day, through messy life experiences, she learns how to better love her four boys from two different marriages. Sytske lives in Utah and enjoys studying psychology, philosophy, and spiritual development.
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