A Memory on the 5th Anniversary of the LDS Policy Shift on Marriages and Sealings

DINAH: I remember when, at age 12, I spent Young Women’s activities cutting wedding dresses out of magazines and making lists of all the qualities I wanted in the man who would someday “take me to the temple.” As a child of the 90’s, my girlhood was filled with movies and stories of Happily Ever After. The princess always find their prince – and the Mormon girl always finds her Returned Missionary. In the movies, the heroine’s adventure would end (or begin?) with her wearing a big, beautiful dress during her big, beautiful wedding which, of course, took place in a big beautiful castle. That would be me. Someday my castle would be the Temple of the Lord.

I became engaged at the tender age of 19 and passionately jumped into the details of wedding planning. Naturally, I chose a princess cut dress with layers of poofy tulle, starting at the hips and billowing outward. It wasn’t the fashion but it was what I’d always wanted. 

There was never any choice about where my fiance and I would get married. In our small Utah towns, the only reason to not get married in the temple was because you couldn’t. To not get married in the temple brought shame to your families and gossip to everyone’s lips. My family wasn’t entirely active but they, too, felt the pressure to have their daughter “do it the right way.” My husband’s family was devout LDS, and he knew what was expected of him. Back then, I was taught it was selfish to postpone a temple sealing for a civil wedding just because you wanted certain people present. It didn’t matter if your family was hurt in the process. If family couldn’t come, it was their own fault.

It wasn’t until the day of my wedding that I truly realized that my special day wasn’t going to play out how I’d pictured it. There’d be no aisle to walk down, no music to accompany me, no crowd of loved ones, not even a bridesmaid or best friend. No photographer capturing the best moments, no little sister beside me. My parents had managed to renew their Temple Recommends and, as I stood in the tiny dressing room with my sweet mother, I suddenly realized how alone I was. The silence was loud.

Then a temple matron squeezed in, her intent to rush us along. She matter-of-factly told me my dress was “too showy for the temple” and I wouldn’t be able to wear it for the sealing. I was instructed to wear my polyester temple dress. I couldn’t think of anything worse. I begged her to let me keep it on, pleaded that I needed it, and she gave in. She had too many other brides to hurry along to argue with me. But as I continued dressing for the sealing, layer after layer of ceremonial temple clothing was piled over my dress, my carefully styled hair, and even my face. With each new piece, it felt harder to breathe and even harder to swallow. 

Right before my fiance and I entered the sealing room, we spoke with the older man who would be sealing us. He told us that the ceremony would have to be quick, that he’d say a few words and we’d answer his questions promptly. I actually asked when he’d say “You may now kiss the bride,” and he said that you don’t say that in the temple but that we could kiss at the end if we wanted.

The whole process was as quick and matter-of-fact as he’d forewarned us. We entered the sealing room and my first thought was that I must look ridiculous to the man I loved. Embarrassed, I scanned the faces of friends and family who’d been able to attend but what I noticed were the people who were missing. We knelt at the altar, repeated the lines, and I made covenants and promises that I was hearing for the first time. 

It didn’t feel like a wedding, because it wasn’t, it was a ritual. It was rote. I was blindsided. It was nothing like I’d imagined. There was nothing personal between my fiance and me, no vows, no exchange of rings. Then it was over. We were moved along. 

We greeted everyone else outside the temple, and I felt a sadness at seeing all of the faces who hadn’t been inside with me. All of the people who should have been part of this experience.

Not too long after my wedding, I was able to attend the civil wedding of my cousin. It was night and day different from my temple experience. I couldn’t help but feel stabs of jealousy and pain when I realized all of the things I’d missed from my own wedding experience. But I’d been told–and I believed–that Jesus had wanted me to miss those things.

It’s been 17 years since my temple wedding. Five years ago this month, Russell M. Nelson changed the policy that had forbidden couples from marrying civilly so all their friends and family could attend, regardless of their personal beliefs, and then proceed to the temple to be sealed for time and eternity. It’s been five years since the LDS Church stopped requiring families to be separated on such an important day.

Five years ago, the shaming over having a civil ceremony followed by a sealing should’ve stopped. I’m not sure it has, not completely, not everywhere. Regardless, I’m happy the LDS Church has changed things. I’m happy young women can have the wedding of their dreams and top it off with a sealing to the man they love–no shame, no gossip, no accusations of selfishness. But being happy for others doesn’t take away the loss or the pain I still feel.

Maybe I’d like an apology–something that acknowledges the pain and loss that I and others experienced as we proved our obedience. But obedience to what? Not to the Savior. He made sure wedding guests were welcomed and content. I realize now I only proved obedience to the men who run the Church, men who were content to hurt me and harm my relationships.

Yes, I wish I’d had the same opportunity that couples today have, and I hope that any young couples who read this think carefully about what they want. It is, after all, your day. How do you want your love celebrated and recorded? Who do you want to be present? You can have it all, and so can your loved ones.

~~Dinah~~

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