PILAR: When I said it was PR approved, I was referring to myself since those are my initials. Over the recent holiday I had a friend ask me about my Mormon beliefs, so I took a few moments and wrote down some thoughts about the things that are currently being taught at church. I didn’t want to sugar-coat anything, since she’s a good friend and trusts me, so I thought it best to lay it all out there for her.
1 We believe in God and the Almighty Dollar, in real estate holdings, Coca Cola stock, oil leases, and tithes and offerings – but not so much that the Church would actually be held accountable financially to its own members.
2 We believe that (#not) all men shall be punished for their own sins, particularly if those sins are the abuse of power. We believe that (#yes) all women shall be placed on pedestals, where they belong.
3 Through the obedience to obedience all mankind may be saved by obedience. This probably sounds confusing but thinking about it wastes time. You know what doesn’t waste time? Obedience.
4 We believe that the principles and ordinances of the gospel boil down to obedience to Handbook 1 and to your priesthood leaders. Claiming ignorance of Handbook 1 because you aren’t allowed to read it is no excuse. If you are truly righteous you will instinctively know that God absolutely does have a list of approved contraceptives, and vasectomy is not one of them.
5 We believe that all men are called of God, through other men, by the laying on of hands of more men who are in authority, who have always been in authority and like anyone in any authoritarian position, will never willingly give up that power unless pressured to do so by boycotts, protests and bad press.
6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, namely the idyllic 1950s cis-hetero nuclear Family™ with four binary children, where the wife hearkens to the presiding husband in an equal partners kind of way.
7 We believe in the gifts of plastic surgery and antidepressants, in potlucks and ward parties for every holiday, in the lifestyle advice of Mormon Mommy bloggers and in decorating our houses with Pinterest-worthy quotes from Apostles written in no fewer than 37 different types of fonts.
8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God except when it conflicts with our opinions. We also believe the Book of Mormon to be the most correct word of God except the parts where it condemns polygamy and talks about grace. We believe in making past embarrassing quotes about racism, blood atonement, and polygamy unsearchable or hidden away in private church collections while parading out the phrase “speaking as a man.”
9 We believe in selective parts of what God has revealed, and to varying degrees, in all that he does reveal, unless it sounds like hard work. We do not believe in speculation on what God might reveal because to even think of such things is “steadying the ark.” When issues arise, we believe in bickering among ourselves until a general authority or someone from the PR department tells us how we should feel about it.
10 We believe in the gathering of Israel to shop at Deseret Book and City Creek Center, where you can buy paradisaically glorious clothing or housewares because wealth equates to righteousness on this, the American continent. This is why all the Apostles are rich, white, and American, except the one German guy. *Modern revelation and changing quorums have made it necessary for me to revise this and point out that we now have one rich, white Asian-American apostle, one rich, tan, Brazilian apostle, one rich, white, Swedish decent, American apostle who has been to Africa, all called after this was written. Diversity is so important.
11 We claim the privilege of worshiping the Almighty God and in legislating our right to limit your rights through the right of religious freedom. Please don’t boycott us for being so righteous.
12 We believe in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law unless that law is gay marriage, and then we will absolutely un-sustain the heck out of that law. We also believe that God will fix gays in the afterlife so we look the other way when our gay teens die by suicide in record numbers. It’s not our fault that God made gay people and then commanded them to, y’know, NOT do gay things. We really love you though — I mean there is an entire LDS website dedicated to our love for you. *insert heart emoji*
13 We believe in enforcing chastity with awkward interviews with teens and singles (by middle-aged men behind closed doors), in fiercely regulating modesty standards for females (which we equate with virtue), and in protecting all men from the temptation of women.
Indeed, we may say that we try to follow the admonition of Paul but fall short. There are still many humble followers of Christ who are praiseworthy in their efforts to stay true to the gospel and continue to seek Him.
May they fight the good fight. May they stay true to the course.
May they keep the faith.
I am sure I’ve left some things out. Feel free to add to my list in the comments.
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