TW: child sex abuse, suicidality
PILAR: My thoughts are a jumble of memories and feelings and flashes of things I’d rather forget but cannot because everyday the Epstein files remind me of my past. The current world has become an absolute dumpster fire, and, as we watch, Trump, an adjudicated rapist, continues to sow chaos and denial by pursuing ever more violent distractions to keep the American public from looking at his role in Epstein’s world of power and pedophilia. Some of us–the victims of childhood sexual abuse–will not be distracted.
When I was a kid, I was molested by an older male relative. He was also a minor (though almost 5 years my senior), and he sexually experimented on my young body for years. I internalized the religious teachings I had heard at church. Pres. Spencer W. Kimball’s vitriolic messages about fighting for your chastity included that a woman should lay down her life rather than lose “her virtue.” My own mother, though well meaning, always stressed to me just how much she agreed that she would much rather die than be sullied.
These teachings were so deeply ingrained into my psyche that, as a teenager on the cusp of puberty and well into my twenties, I was often suicidal because I was harboring a deep secret. Too terrified to ask for help, I hid my abuse and harbored self-loathing for not having died defending myself. I hated myself for surviving. As a college student who was still grappling with my secret, I went to my bishop and told him what had happened to me. I was hoping that he would offer me counseling. I had spiraled into depression and a deep suicidality that scared my roommates.
When I told my Bishop what happened, he focused on my abuser. Had he gone on a mission? Had he raped me with full penetration? Did he serve his entire mission or did he come home early? Well! No need to worry then, it sounds like he made a full confession and has repented! I was told that I, therefore, no longer needed to worry about him. The bishop quickly ended the conversation and ushered me out of his office. With absolutely NO CONCERN for me, the victim of a CRIME. No suggestion to report the crime and no offer to help. Just an assurance that my perpetrator was forgiven, and so I could forget about what he’d done. I expected something different. I expected help.
Who is helping the victims of Epstein’s worldwide ring?
As a teen, I had so many great youth leaders who I still see around on social media. I looked up to them: Michael, Valerie, Terilyn, Laura, Mary, Jim, Sheree, Walter, Harold, Vicki, Kevin, and many others… Today, they all have something in common. I’ve seen every one of these leaders openly praise and support the current regime. So far, NOT A SINGLE ONE has rescinded their support of the leaders who are now listed as co-conspirators in the biggest pedophile ring in world history. Not only is the current US President a colossal fraud, we now know he is a child rapist who assaulted girls with his friend Epstein. We know his name appears a million times in the released Epstein files, and we know 3 million documents have yet to be released. Trump is clearly a main character in Epstein’s disgusting story.
When I finally had the nerve to confront my parents and let them know why I had struggled with depression for so long, I was 29 years old with three little children of my own. I bravely told them over the phone what had happened to me. I will never forget my Mom’s response. “Well, you were a constant liar when you were a kid. You are lying now, I guess.”
Then my parents went on to defend my abuser: he was a good kid, a good babysitter, they had no reason to distrust him and never saw anything that would make them think I was in danger. He had grown up to be a responsible husband and father, he also had children now. The phone conversation that had taken so much courage for me to make ended quickly. I told my parents a couple of other things I didn’t want to say but, at 29 years old, I was done keeping secrets for him. I told my parents the fuller truth. He had not only assaulted me, but he had also assaulted my two other sisters. We girls had spoken together of it for years but had never told our parents. I then told my parents not to call me back unless it was to apologize for calling me a liar and siding with him.
I didn’t hear from my parents for several months. I didn’t know if I would ever forgive them for that. It still stings that they instantly discounted me as a liar because of how uncomfortable the truth was and still is. It nearly destroyed my family. My brothers found out, some of my nieces and nephews found out, too. For years, our family was fractured over the rift I had created just by speaking out. I almost broke my immediate family because I had finally told the truth. Did I deserve blame?
Right now, our nation is fracturing as so many protect the pedophiles while telling the Epstein survivors to move on with their lives.
My parents have always been staunch Republicans. They really can’t believe that such a “nice guy” [Trump] who has kids of his own could be a rapist even though TWENTY-SEVEN women have accused him of sexual misconduct. They can’t believe that a man who has proclaimed he likes to “grab women by the pussy” would actually grab a woman and assault her like he has literally described himself doing. Surely he is exonerated by the Epstein files, just like he says.
They are siding with another abuser again.
What all these musings amount to is this: my instincts told me as a child that I could not trust any of these people to give a damn about my abuse or to stand up to protect me.
My instincts were right. Every single one of those people, including my parents, continue to support and praise multiple abusers–DJT. Elon Musk. Bill Barr. Bill Gates. Bill Clinton… (Just kidding. They hate Clinton already because he’s a woke democrat).
They don’t care. They don’t believe the victims.
This tells me they likely would never have believed me had I come forward when my relative first began abusing me. They’d have punished me and supported him.
Every day I see conservative women–church women!–on my socials just quietly standing by their man, their president, never condemning him. They are proving me right every damn day. They are not safe people who would have helped me. They would have sided with the abuser, just like they are doing now.
History will not exonerate his supporters. It will not look kindly on all of the people who voted for Trump, who championed him, and who abandoned their morals to stay in the Republican party. History will condemn them for failing to care for the children of abuse.
Oscar Wilde wrote, “Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” But those parents–the adults of the world–should always be held accountable.
~~Pilar~~
Read Pilar’s post election thoughts by clicking here. You can find a two-part interview with Pilar regarding the abuse in her first marriage by clicking first here and then here.
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